“Shit, oh shit,” Lana whispered, ducking behind a pillar. She turned around to leave and ran straight into a large chest. “Sorry,” she mumbled and attempted again to leave the room, trying not to get trampled by the creatures around her.
“If you all could finish signing in, we will get started in just a few minutes. Please find your name cards, already placed on a numbered table in the room. All the information is in the packet you get when you sign in,” a voice boomed over a tinny sound system. A spotlight turned on behind the signin tables as she paused for everyone to quiet down. “Again, please get seated and we’ll get started.”
Lana was in the wrong place. The very wrongest of places she could ever think to be. Her friend had signed her up for a Valentine’s Day speed dating event, which was embarrassing enough, but this was just ridiculous.
Sighing, she signed in and took her place at table number 4. She looked down and took a deep breath, wondering again why she hadn’t just walked out when she realized where she was.
“Um, hello,” said a gruff voice. “Why are you here?”
She peeked up as the booming voice called out the rules: 3 minutes at each table and then those in the red chairs would move to the next table while those in the white chairs would stay seated. If you like the conversation and feel there could be a potential match, mark the option on the card and in the end you may receive contact info for the pairs who both choose it.
“GO!” the voice boomed, and Lana raised her head, a confident smirk on her face.
“I went to the wrong place,” she said, not sure which eye to focus on from the male across the table. He was thin, smirking back at her, and all three of his eyes were squinting as he attempted to figure her out.
“Just look at the middle one, it’ll be easier for you,” he told her, rolling his eyes as if he’d gotten that a lot. You didn’t realize this was an alt-human event? How in the multiverse did you not figure that out?” he laughed, gesturing around him. “Look, that female literally has wings. And that male–he’s huge, obviously a Frank. I’m not even sure it’s safe for you to be here.”
She groaned and admitted she ran into the Frank earlier and thought he was a pillar. She looked around her and had to admit, she really hadn’t paid much attention until it was too late. Shrugging, she turned back to her speed date, knowing there was only about a minute left.
“I’m Lana, human, and I’m alone on Valentine’s Day at an alt-human speed date. I think it’s safe to say my mind isn’t quite all there. But I promise I can take care of myself. So, what do you do for a living… Mike?” she asked, noticing his nametag. “Do you have any weaknesses? Silver? Stakes through the heart? Pepper spray?”
He tri-blinked and opened his small mouth to speak just as the bell rang. Yikes, 3 minutes goes quickly. Her speed date partner smiled and reached a long fingered human looking hand toward his date card. His nails were sharp but otherwise unoffensive.
He noticed her staring. “See you again soon, girl,” he said, and got up to walk to the next table.
She went through the next few rounds politely speaking with a vampire, an ogre, and a really attractive fae. She marked her card appropriately: yes, no, and yes. After speaking with a witch, another ogre, the Frank she’d run into earlier, and some sort of ghostly apparition, she was bored.
How would she even date a creature she couldn’t fully touch? She stifled a giggle at the thought of getting heavy with someone she would literally fall through. Looking at her date card she saw they’d gone through all the possibilities in the first column.
“Second session, everyone!” the speaker voice boomed. They went through the process again with the remaining contestants who’d stayed seated before, which turned out to be three vampires, a warlock, two female fae, and a couple werewolves.
Lana was bored when the voice instructed them to mingle as they wished for the next 10 minutes before turning in their date cards and revealing their matches.
“Girl,” the first creature–Mike–said from her left, startling her. “I see you have made it through without being eaten. Nice to see you again.” He winked one eye and smiled at her. It looked almost like a sneer; she couldn’t tell whether he hated or favored her and it made her uncomfortable. He was definitely attractive and it set her off a bit not knowing whether he’d noticed her as well.
“I work at the library,” he answered her question from earlier, as if no time had passed, leaning against the wall and crossing his arms loosely. “Alt-human hours, of course, which is probably why we haven’t crossed paths. I don’t think I’d forget someone like you. My eyes aren’t used to seeing a human with purple hair and eyes. Is it usual among your kind?”
Lana rolled her two eyes. “It’s some recessive gene from my grandmother’s side of the family. There’s fae blood in my line from way back, I guess. Otherwise I’m fully human, in case you wondered. I still don’t belong here…” She crossed her arms as well, but in more of a hugging herself motion. She stood taller, regaining her confidence, and asked him again about his weaknesses.
“Human girl, please come chat with me over there in the hallway. I wish to get to know you better,” one of the vampires called to her, appearing beside her with fangs out. “I will… behave.”
Lana scoffed. “Naw, dude, I’m ok here.” She blushed, realizing Mike was still nearby. He raised two eyebrows and winked. The vampire looked between them and then slumped his shoulders, understanding he wouldn’t get what he wanted from the human female. He vanished just as quickly as he arrived and Lana was alone again with the stranger smiling as wide as his small mouth would allow.
“That was pretty good,” he told her. “Don’t most human women have their panties in a twist for the vamp types?”
Another scoff. “My panties don’t twist for fangs. Those guys are always jerks.”
“And I’m not?” Mike asked her, gazing deeply at her.
“Your shit doesn’t work on me either,” Lana told him, poking a finger into his chest. “Fae blood, remember? Just enough to make life both harder and easier for me. So stop trying to do that smolder thing. It’s embarrassing.”
Mike just shrugged, telling her it didn’t hurt to try.
They spent the next few minutes talking about their jobs (Lana worked at a coffee shop, one of the few in town that served humans and Alts), their families (both had none to speak of), and their views on witches and warlocks (why don’t they put their magic to good use?). It turned out they had a lot in common, though their time together was short.
By the time the booming voice instructed them to take their date cards to the sign in table, they’d been standing almost face to face, whispering and laughing amid the madness of the rest of the crowd. They were so close Mike could feel Lana’s purple hair brush his face and she could see each of his green eyes had flecks of blue in them.
They snapped out of their bubble and turned their cards in at the table. The crowd loomed in and out of the spaces between them, everyone loud and obnoxiously wondering–aloud–how many dates they’d get.
Lana placed her card into the machine–magic at the looks of it–and stood back to let everyone else do the same. She looked around to find Mike but he’d gotten lost somewhere or maybe he left.
She found then she didn’t mind being the only human at a creature event. She didn’t mind that her friend had set her up–probably on purpose–because she didn’t ever fit in quite right amongst the other humans. Her purple hair was weird. Her matching eyes were weirder. She wasn’t afraid of the Alts the way her human friends were, probably because she couldn’t be mind controlled or swayed by their smolders.
She wanted love. And surely someone here would be just fine to match with. As long as it wasn’t the wolves. She hated cleaning up after the wolves; they were ridiculously messy.
When her date card appeared magically into her hands, a ding sounded, and Lana closed her eyes tight, not sure what she even wanted to happen.
The only names on the card would be ones who they both considered a match; if no one wanted her she would see zero names on the card regardless of the yes’s she checked.
Lana opened one eye, then the other, and took a deep breath. There was one name on the card, and a phone number beside it.
Mike Tres.
She rolled her eyes at the last name but pulled the card to her heart. Sometimes accidents were happy. Jumping at a noise from her phone, she glanced at it, seeing text from someone not saved into her contacts.
“Boo,” the text said. Confused, she turned to look around and slammed straight into someone. Not again, she thought, and then smiled as she looked into Mike’s third eye.
“I hope I’m not texting too soon,” he said aloud with a smile. “Should I wait a few days, or can we go get a drink?”
Lana smiled back at him and nodded her head.
“Yes to the drink,” she told him and put her arm through his. “Happy Valentine’s Day. Let’s get out of here; the vamps are eyeing me.”
“I’m eyeing you,” he told her with a smirk.
“Creep,” she shot back.
And they left together, completing the weirdest meet cute Lana had ever experienced.
Shannon Ambroson 